D.Repoman

Kosuke Fukudome Expose

In Sports on July 10, 2010 at 8:46 am

Strange things happen everyday in America. Many swear they see UFOs. Animals are found drained of their blood and the chupacabra is blamed. Seemingly “intelligent” Americans actually tune in to listen to Rush Limbaugh speak. Lebron James signs with an NBA team that has a total, including him, of 3 players on its roster.

It boggles the mind.

However, these occurrences pale in comparison to the incredible disappearance of one Kosuke Fukudome’s baseball ability. Heralded as the next great Japanese star, Kosuke was supposed to be the midwestern equivalent of Ichiro, as well as the missing piece to finally get the Cubs to that elusive World Series appearance.

Who can forget all of the hoopla regarding this signing? And what wasn’t there to like? A high average hitter with 20 home run power, good speed and a plus arm, Kosuke looked like a sure fire star. The Cubs organization and fans openly embraced the Japanese star.

Even everyone’s favorite deity chimed in with his thoughts on the asian sensation:

(*editors note – our printer was unfortunately beheaded before completing the limited edition “Ladies, Muhammed say fuk u do me” t shirts. Sorry about that)

After an All Star first half in 2008, Fukodome’s batting average dipped lower than a one legged dancer doing the limbo. He finished the season hitting .259 and has yet to come close to reclaiming the promise of 2008.

What happened?

Look, Wrigleyville is a notorious party spot full of bars, and many cubs, including notables like Mark Grace, have been known to “paint the town red”. Is it possible the Kosuke has lost his talents due to his love of the “sake”? I don’t know many Japanese people, but if Kosuke is anything like Mr. Miyagi in the video below, then we may have , finally, solved the mystery:

So, please Kosuke, pleeeeeeeeeease lay off the sauce. You had the hopes of Cubdom unfairly thurst upon you but there is still time. Remember, save the champagne for when you actually win something!

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